If animals could talk, they would spend most of their time calling us dicks and telling us to get off their land. The traits we think of as "cute" are often simply tricks animals have developed to get tourists to throw them food.
Here are six animals that you'll probably want to st*er cl*ar of, no matter how adorable they look on that wall calendars.
6. Hippopotamus (Hippopotamus amphibius)
To give you an idea of how cute hippos are, we'd like you to have a look at this:
Hippos are practically the very definition of Disney-cute. What sort of person could look at this big ol' rascal, playing away in her favorite swimming hole, and not think of stuffing her in a tutu and making her dance to classical music?
For chrissake look at them. There is no way you could look at a big, fat, happy, squishy, huggable hippo and not think, "If she could talk like a human, she would sound just like Jada Pinkett Smith and be oh so sassy." You would totally name her Sassybaskets and she would be your tutu-wearing, ballet-dancing, strut-walking pal for life. Just you and Sassybaskets against the world! Look out, New York, here comes Sassybaskets!
OH SH*T! RUN!
It turns out in the real world, hippos f*ck!ng k!ll people.
There's this word, "territorial," that nature takes pretty seriously. When it's applied to a two-ton animal with teeth the size of bowling pins, that is one hell of a word. The sort of word you either pay very close attention to, or ignore and end up with a complimentary "K!lled to de*th by a f*ck!ng hippo" t*mbst*ne. That sort of thing is really embarrassing for the family, you know?
The next time you settle in for a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos, take a moment to to reflect on the small fact that hippopotamuses k!ll more humans per year than any other animal in the entire continent of Africa. Only elephants are consistently larger than hippos, and only the Warner Brothers' Tasmanian Devil is more consistently aggr*ss!ve.
Perhaps you've seen this pic:
That is not in fact a man and a hippo doing a live reenactment of a cartoon they saw. That's an experienced park ranger, who narrowly avoided getting k!ll*d by a hippo by sprinting over a hundred yards.
The late Steve Irwin, a man who used to tackle 12-foot crocodiles for fun and wave *ngry snakes f!lled with k!ll-you-before-your-next-he*rtbeat p*is*n at a camera, considered a five-minute sequence where his camera team had to cross a river filled with hippos to be the single most dangerous moment ever filmed on his show.
The man who toyed with crocodiles, was scared sh!tless of hippos.5. Duck-Billed Platypus (Ornithorhynchus anatinus)
God, we don't even know where to begin.
This is an animal so deliriously r!d!cul*us, biologists refused to believe it could possibly be anything but an elaborate hoax when it was first discovered. To put this in perspective, these exact same biologists believed that r*tt!ng meat spontaneously generated m*ggots and saw nothing wrong with pouring l!quid her*!n down babies’ throats. Platypi are that r!di!cul*us.
But seriously, look at it. It's got a thick, furry body with a flat, beaver-like tail and otter-like feet and we're cool with that because he's so damn fuzzy. Then there's the matter of the big, leathery duck bill and it's suddenly more than a little weird, because that's ... that's not really supposed to happen to mammals.
And then there's the further matter of the very high degree of electroreceptivity in that there bill--it helps the platypus find food buried in the silt. Kinda like a hammerhead shark's head, only instead of being terr!fy!ng-looking eye protrusions with an awesome name, it's a goofy-looking duck bill. On a mammal. And OK so that's ... pretty weird, but so what? Their babies are called puggles for f*ck's sake! Puggles!
Also they lay eggs for some reason.
OH SH*T! RUN!
And, they are p*is*n*us.
Male platypi have a pair of spurs on their hind legs that they use for defense and dominance d*els. They deliver a br*tal d*se of ven*m that will put a human being into the emergency room and leave him wr!th!ng in muscle-!mp*ir*d ag*ny for months.
The platypus is mother nature's way of saying, "I made this thing out of spare parts I found on the workshop floor, and it can still f*ck!ng cr!pple you."
4. Dingo (Canis lupus dingo)
Look at the pretty little puppy! Who's a pretty little puppy?
Oh yes you are! Yes you are! Whoosagoodboyyy? Whooooooosagoodbooooooyyyyy?
Look at him. Look at that fur, those eyes, that playful grin. If that dingo was behind a clear plastic wall at a pet shop, we would take him home in a heartbeat. We'd name him Bandit and put a red bandanna around his neck and we'd take him out to the lake in a pickup truck and he'd hang his head out the window as we drove, howling along to the radio.
If we d!*d, he'd lie down on our graves and just howl away. For the rest of his life. Because he'd miss us so f*ck!ng much.
Bandit would be the best godd*mned dog there ever was.
And if he ever got r*b!es, we'd be the ones to put him down.
It just wouldn't be right any other way.
OH SH*T! RUN!
STOP. We can practically feel you trying to reach out a hand to give the Dingo a scr*tch behind the ear so he knows what a good boy he's being but seriously and for f*ck's sake STOP.
That adorable little guy with the silly name and the gleam in his eye is, in fact, absolutely nothing like your blessed yellow Labrador-mix that was the only friendly face you saw all day in your childhood.
No. That is a w!ld, as in unt*med, as in feral, meaning thoroughly and completely--this is important--a dangerous and unpr*d!ctable animal.
W!ld dogs--also called f*ck!ng wolves--are inquisitive, intelligent predators that travel in packs. Which means there are several of them and they all think "fair f!ght" means "we outnumber the h*ll out of you". Do a Google search on "Dingo," and look over all of those pages. Notice a theme? Every single one of them manages to repeat the exact same sentiment ad nauseum: Do not attempt to pet the dingos.
Do not attempt to play with the dingos. Do not throw squeaky toys to the f*ck!ng dingos or attempt to sneak scraps of food to the f*ck!ng dingos from the dinner table. If a f*ck!ng dingo follows you home, you should not keep it. DO NOT LET A DINGO PLAY WITH YOUR INFANT.*
It took 7,000 years of breeding and training to make your pet dog. This is not your pet dog. This is a f*ck!ng dingo.
3. Chimpanzee (Pan troglodytes)
These guys are practically people. No, f*ck that, they're practically better than people. Chimps have done everything from fly jet planes to sleep in the same bed as a former President of the United States. If you put a chimp in front of a camera with an action star, you have no choice but to prepare for a wild, wacky romp that will tug your heartstrings and tickle your funny bone until you v*m!t your entire digestive system in pure laugh-a-minute glee. And then, at the end, we all learn a valuable lesson: usually that Burt Reynolds can be consistently outwitted by lesser primates.
It's that grin. That huge, toothy grin they flash for the cameras, it makes them look like devilish little scamps, like they have some great and hilarious secret they cannot wait to share. And then they put their arms around the action star and snuggle in and everybody goes awwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Then they pucker their lips and make f*rt noises and everybody just laughs until they d!e.
OH SH*T! RUN!
That is not a grin. What that is, see, is a mo*thful of very large te*th being b*red. R!ght at you.
The chimp is attempting to inform you that you are inv*d!ng his space. If you do not understand this, the chimp would be happy to further elaborate. With that mouthful of very f*ck!ng large te*th. While sm*shing his very long and extremely strong arms about your head and shoulders, gr*bb!ng your hair and sl*mming your head into th*ngs. All the while shrieking a vicious symphony of noise that is calling all his buddies over to beat you until you cannot gr*w anymore. Following which, they will pelt you with fec*s.
It's sort of like a fraternity !n!t!at!on, only they don't give a sh!t if you survive. For instance, look how the adorable monkey treats his "friend" the zoologist, who's been coming to his island and feeding him bananas for years.
If that clip reminds you less of Ross's adorable pet monkey on Friends and more of Stephen Seagal "taking out the tr*sh," that's because you watched it. Now imagine what that monkey would do to your goofy, non-banana bringing *ss if you tried to make him wear a funny hat and a necktie.
Oh, here's something to make that mental image even worse: On four recorded occasions in the last 50 years, chimpanzees have abducted, k!ll*d and e*t*n human bab!es. That's human with an H, as in Homo Sapiens, as in a human baby getting wr*nch*d out of its mother's arms, dr*gged off into the forest and dev*ured by a ch!mp. We are not making this up.
Will you stop f*ck!ng dressing them in cowboy outfits now? Please?
2. Swan (Anatidae Cygnus, dozens of subspecies)
Such poise. Such grace. The way they glide effortlessly across the water. That unmistakable curve to their necks that forms a perfect heart when they nuzzle with their mate, who they will stay with for the rest of their lives.
This is the bird our mothers promised us we would grow up to be after yet another day of getting be*t up for being so godd*mned ugly. We're adults now (and still f*ck-ugly) and the swan's beauty has endured, only growing stronger as we grow older. In another 40 years, there we'll be, on a bench in a park with a bag of breadcrumbs in our hands, just watching the swans drift by, reminding us that in the end, everything turned out OK.
OH SH*T! RUN!
Getting chased through a park by a fur!o*s bird that will not stop trying to r!p your sk!n off your bones is only funny until it happens to you.
Yes, swans are aggr*ss!ve as h*ll. According to this video, the only defense against swan att*ck is to actually gr*b the bird by the n*ck and he*ve it as *ar as you can while onlookers applaud.
Just like that one girl in history class that you thought was the single most beautiful woman you'd ever seen in your life who you mooned over for months and left little notes for, it turns out swans are now and have always been v!c!ous, mean little motherfuckers who will not h*s!tate to snap your fingers off one by one for daring to poll*te its presence. And then going off to laugh with all their friends about what a huge loser you are.
In Ireland, it is not uncommon for university rowing teams to cancel practice because there is a swan in the river. Rowing teams tend to be composed of men who are built like very large trees. Trees that bench-press Volvos. These men are terrified of swans, probably due to a grizzled old rowing coach, always looking on from the shore, a b!ll-sh*ped scar where his left eye us*d to be.
1. Bottlenose Dolphin (Tursiops truncatus)
No way. No f*ck!ng way. What the h*ll are dolphins doing here?
This cannot be right. These guys save humans. Every other year or so, some diver or something gets lost out at sea, these guys bring them home. For f*ck's sake, in November of 2004, a bunch of these guys banded together and saved three lifeguards from a great white shark off the coast of New Zealand.
They're f*ck!ng dolphins.
They can talk. They shoot high-pitched chirps and squeaks back and forth, slap their tails in the surf and jump around to let each other know what kind of day they're having. This is the only animal in the world that Americans feel proud of not e*ting. This is f*ck!ng Flipper here, every third girl you met in college had at least one tattooed somewhere on her body.
No animal in the world is more closely linked to DayGlo rainbows.
OH SH*T! RUN!
It turns out they're s*x-cr*zed thr!ll-k!ll*rs. How's that for a plot twist?
For the last 17 years or so, marine biologists have begun paying a great deal of attention to de*d baby dolphins and porpo!ses of all ages washing up ashore, and we quote, 'mangled in unexpected ways.'
The discovery that Bottlenose Dolphins were occasionally v!c!ously reconf!gur!ng the!r own children wasn't really all that much of a big deal. Humans are the only species on the planet that actually gives even a tiny sh!t about !nf*nt!c!de. It was what the dolphins were doing to the porpo!ses that entered the domain of the 'seriously f*ck*d-up'.
Thirteen-foot male Bottlenose Dolphins were h*nt!ng down porpo!ses, be*t!ng to de*th and then playing with their c*rps*s, all for no readily apparent reason. At the time of this writing, the majority opinion of the marine science community was that this breathtakingly sav*ge int*rspec!es h*m!c!de is for--and this is Science, here—sh!ts 'n' g!ggl*s.
Reports of lud!crously s*x*ally aggr*ss!ve dolphins attempting to r*pe human women abo*nd from all over the globe. And in 1994, a male Bottlenose off the coast of San Paolo, Brazil, that was noted to be fond of female human swimmers att*ck*d a pair of human males that the dolphin apparently considered to be compet!t!on ... and k!ll*d one of them.
Sure, some accounts say the man was dr*nk, and was act!v*ly try!ng to sh*ve a st!ck into the dolphin's blowhole at the time. And several locals had apparently first tried to dr*g it out of the water so they could take a picture with it, maybe first dress!ng it up with a top h*t and mon*cle.
And here, of course, we have arrived at our lesson: when dealing with animals, you need to forget everything you learned from cartoons. The results can be d**dly oth*rwise.