Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Top Ten Most Insane Man vs. Bear Showdowns


Popular culture tends to portray the bear as a cute and cuddly being that spends his carefree days offering friendly warnings about forest fires and trying to squirm their cute, pudgy faces out of narrow honey jars. But as we all know bears could rip your face off with one swipe of its claws to use it as the meat in an open-faced honey and face  sandwich.

10. Man vs. Bear vs. Sandwich

Man vs. Bear vs. Sandwich

Bear attacks that are caused by careless humans leaving food out in the wilderness aren’t uncommon. It’s very rare, however, that a bear will show up at a human’s house expecting free food like a slightly less hairy, unemployed brother-in-law.

A New Jersey man came to face to face with Mother Nature’s professional eating champion in the driveway of his suburban home. The bear pushed him to the ground by punching him in the face, just so he could get a bite of the delicious Italian sub sitting on the tailgate of his pickup truck. Apparently, the bear thought he could lose weight simply by eating two six-inch veggie subs for breakfast and lunch and a foot long sub of his choice for dinner, which means that park rangers should be on the lookout for an angry, overweight bear seeking to exact his revenge on Jared from Subway.

9. Man vs. Bear vs. Cell Phone

Man vs. Bear vs. Cell Phone

Cell phones have to be the least effective invention of the 20th century, just edging out in front of motion sensing car alarms, wish fulfillment self-help books, and male enhancement growth methods (it’s the least fun you can have putting your penis in something other than discovering a rat trap or Amy Winehouse is at the other end of it).

This, however, may help bring the cell phone down a few notches as a bear deterrence device. A man from New York encountered nature’s natural born paper shredder and in a fit of panic, he accidentally turned on his cell phone that started emitting a beeping noise that scared the bear, giving him and his girlfriend a chance to make a break for it. Motorola so loved the man’s story that they actually featured the tale in a short commercial film, prompting millions of Americans to purchase even more annoying sounding ringtones, which may have staved off a wave of bear attacks but also increased random assaults in libraries and elevators.

8. Man vs. Bear. vs Fist

Man vs. Bear. vs Fist

Normally, when the words “man,” “bear,” and “fist” are clumped together in the same headline, Chuck Norris is inevitably involved. This time, however, Chuck Norris had to take a sick day after contracting “swine flu of the fist” from punching pigs as part of a CDC effort to stem the disease’s rising tide.

A 67-year-old Canadian came face to face with a polar bear while he was still in his sleeping bag, his massive frame standing on his gun. So he remembered a trick he learned from an Inuit elder: he punched it square in the nose. This spooked the bear and he scampered off into the frosty wilderness, presumably in search of a penguin that could kiss his boo-boo to “make it all better.”

7. Man vs. Bear vs. Molars

Man vs. Bear vs. Molars

The average human being wouldn’t think of punching a bear in the face if they came face to face with one. Probably the most common form of first strike is urinating on oneself in the hope that the scent will scare them off or at least make them laugh long enough to create a window of escape.

One Chinese man was able to up the aforementioned “bear puncher” by fighting fire with fire. He climbed into a panda bear enclosure hoping to “hug” and “shake” the bear’s paw, but the panda wasn’t feeling too friendly and instead bit a big chunk out of his leg. The man was abhorred at the bear’s lack of proper greeting etiquette, so he responded by biting the bear back in the back.

And yes, in case you still have to ask, the man was very drunk. The panda’s blood alcohol level could not be obtained by presstime.

6. Man vs. Bear vs. Brains

Man vs. Bear vs. Brains

Any park ranger will tell you that if a bear wants a bite of the food that you’ve so carelessly brought into the national park, the best thing you can do is give it to them. That includes any vital human organs.

A Canadian man who was being mauled by a large grizzly (a.k.a. nature’s Slap Chop) somehow survived his painful ordeal, despite the fact that the man could feel the bear eating his brain. The bear snuck up on the man and started gnawing away at his skull, right down to the grey matter. The man decided to play d**d, which isn’t too hard when a bear is using your skull as a soup bowl but the bear suddenly stopped. The man managed to drive himself to safety, despite the fact that part of his brains where oozing out of his skull. Who says you need brains to complete the most basic human functions? I mean besides Paris Hilton and most of the Democratic and Republican candidate caucuses.

5. Man vs. Bear vs. Stick

Man vs. Bear vs. Stick

When it comes to high tech weaponry, you have to stand in awe in that most basic tool of ass-kickery: the stick. It doesn’t have high powered laser scopes or hollow-point technology. It doesn’t require training of a license to learn how to operate. You just pick it up and swing in the direction of your enemy.

Another Canadian walking his dogs along the majestic Williams Lake in British Columbia encountered a bear that jumped on top of him and starting mauling his face and head. The man picked up the nearest object he could find: a large stick. He bludgeoned the bear to d**th with it, crushing its skull with the stick’s massive wooden weight. The man survived but needed more than 60 stitches to his face and scalp. The stick was sold to U.S. Department of Defense’s ballistics and weapons development lab for further testing and military expansion.

4. Woman vs. Bear vs. Woman’s Fingers

Woman vs. Bear vs. Woman’s Fingers

Mankind has come a long way in achieving gender equality. These days, any woman can down an entire bottle of Jack and headed off to the zoo for a day of news-making fun, just as easily and ignorantly as any dunderhead with a set of fuzzy dice. Rosie the Riveter was right.

One woman scored a notch for the ladies (or lost one, depending on your definition of gender achievements) when she drunkenly wandered past the guard barriers of at a zoo in Wisconsin and tried to feed an obviously hungry bear a handful of her tasty vittles. The bear, however, preferred human food of another variety and bit off the woman’s fingers as she reached into the enclosure. The local mayor’s office released a statement confirming that the woman was intoxicated, causing a public outcry against the mayor for such an obvious waste of paper and ink.

3. Woman vs. Bear vs. Zucchini

Woman vs. Bear vs. Zucchini

Probably the only time the sight of a large, bulbous zucchini would be scary is in some kind of prison setting or a visit to an overly friendly proctologist.

A woman from Montana, however, was able to add a third setting to that list when she used nature’s most rudely shaped vegetable to fend off an attack from a bear. She was tending her garden when the large animal trotted up and bit her in the leg. She reached for the nearest thing she could find, a ripe zucchini and flung it at the bear. The zucchini must have been using Ron Jeremy strength Miracle-Gro because it hit the bear hard enough to scare it off back in the woods.

2. Pregnant Woman vs. Bear vs. Car

Pregnant Woman vs. Bear vs. Car

Nothing screams “born under a bad sign” more than a tragedy that is immediately followed by another tragedy (e.g. “New Coke” and “Crystal Pepsi,” Kanye West’s Grammy win and Kanye West’s Grammy acceptance speech, everything M. Night Shamaylan has done since The Sixth Sense).

One Colorado Springs woman learned that lesson the hard way with her bear attack encounter. In fact, the bear was the least damaging variable in this equation of suck. A bear started chasing the woman down but as she tried to escape, she ran into the path of an oncoming car. Thankfully, she survived the ordeal with minor injuries, an even more thankful outcome since she was also pregnant at the time. Rangers had to put the bear down, but she gave her newborn a middle name, “Bear,” in honor of the posthumous ball of fuzz. The only way that couldn’t be unsavorably cool is if the kid’s first name is “Harry” and his last name is “Butt.”

1. Man vs. Bear vs. Lightning

Man vs. Bear vs. Lightning

Just because two unlikely and unfortunate incidents don’t happen back to back doesn’t mean your luck barometer is about to run dry. Time is a cruel and heartless bitch. She’s like Katherina from The Taming of the Shrew without all that chirpy charm or charisma.

A man in North Carolina survived a rather grisly (no pun intended, I’m paid better than that) bear attack one night in front of his home. He was wandering in the cold, dark breeze of his front yard because he hasn’t been able to get a decent night’s sleep since 2006...when he was struck by lightning.

Even the bear who bit a big chunk out of him is reading this and going “Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.”


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